By Jack Krampitz

When I was a young adult, probably in my late twenties, I remember looking at my father, a man in his 60s, and seeing someone who had just totally let himself go. He was bald, with glasses, and a very large pot belly. He could barely get himself out of a chair, and when he did, the act of rising was accompanied by an audible groan.

“That will never happen to me,” I said to myself.

The other day, I made a grave mistake. After taking my morning shower, I inadvertently glanced to my right, and there, in the mirror, was my father.

How could this have happened? How could I have gotten to this startling point where I was 69, obese, and bald?

Well, the obvious answer is genetics. My genetic heritage is such that I am certain it is my parents’ fault that I have a large bowl of ice cream every night at 8 p.m. It is the reason I prefer four slices of pizza to a serving of carrots and broccoli. My dream meal is a hot dog and a hamburger with a side of onion rings, washed down with a Coke. No diet soda for me; that is bad for you.

For exercise, I push up out of the recliner, five sets a day. I do walk the dog most days, but she definitely enjoys it much more than I do.

And what is all this hype about my BMI (body mass index)? Some genius decided that if you take my weight, divide by my height, and multiply by Pi, the total tells me whether I am fat or not. The inventor of BMI obviously didn’t realize that the mirror was invented in 359 B.C.

What am I to do?

I am an avid golfer, but not a good one. I have discovered that when someone hits their drive 300 yards down the fairway, they then take a brisk walk to get to the ball for their next shot. That qualifies as an aerobic workout. But what about the drive that dribbles 15 feet from where you took your massive swing, and it takes you five steps to get to it. When you repeat that movement 135 times in five hours, you have burned a total of 67 calories in your round.

Of course, after such a challenging afternoon on the course, two beers and a Snickers bar are the recommended snack to renew your energy level. That is followed with a brisk ride home and a two-hour nap.

Keep in mind, I have tried numerous diet plans pushed on me by Facebook: Intermittent Fasting, Keto with Carbs, some delicious shake with the consistency of sawdust, a magic pill that requires no change in diet or exercise, self-hypnosis (I ended up craving more ice cream).

Even God conspires against me. Last year, I asked him to send me a sign to help me lose some weight. That afternoon, I got in my car to drive to my golf league. Ninety seconds later I see the sign. It says, “Now open–Rich Farms Ice Cream.”

So I am open to your suggestions. Keep in mind, I don’t really want to change my diet or my level of exercise. But I do want to lose some weight. Desperately.

Please send me your ideas. But be kind. Please.